Jesseca Kusher

A week ago Wednesday I learned that my grandmother had been admitted to the hospital. She had fallen and was experiencing cranial bleeding on top of being diagnosed with Pneumonia.

I was horribly distraught and before I knew it, my life shut down. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t interact with people, I couldn’t control the waves of grief that bombarded me without my permission. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

In the middle of all of this my biology thesis was due, and an upcoming deadline for my film thesis was breathing down my neck. I tried to suppress my feelings, but it was hard to be away from my family and I struggled.

If there was one thing I learned from the experience it was that I am incredibly fortunate to go to Kenyon. My professors and friends supported me through some of the toughest days. Their encouragement, empathy, and simple presence helped me to push back the darkness that engulfed me from the moment I had the news.

Today I am to meet with my film faculty again in regards to my final thesis. While I was originally supposed to meet with Diego, one of my fellow seniors, I have not been included in his screenwriting process. It feels as though we have disconnected. My previous contingency plan–producing a miniseries about a young woman reporter/detective has gradually lost my faith as a project I can see through to completion (at the very least in the cold). Last week, through my conversations with Diego, I discovered that he had not made much progress on the final draft for our shared thesis script (which was supposed to be due last Friday). So, upon hearing this, I wrote a entirely new script that was heavily inspired by Fish Tank. As a whole, I am very proud of how that script turned out. However, Diego was not. He expressed to me that there were elements that he did not feel comfortable filming. Upon reflection, I too realized something very unsettling: many of the senior film theses this year include an element of violence against women. How can I, as a feminist and educator, support this message? The honest truth is that I cannot.

My third and final thesis script is in the works now. I am drawing a large part of my inspiration from my own battle with grief. There’s something about the conversations you have in public when you’re clearly grieving. All and all I’ve been offered strongly poetic advice from biology faculty and family alike. You can tell who else has endured loss because of the way they share their wisdom. I’m looking forward to the chance to explore that relationship.

As it stands, I foresee myself seeking inspiration from films such as Beasts of the Southern Wild and The Lovely Bones. I think of both of those films as carrying power in the ways they visually abstract serious issues. Both have a certain dreamlike quality in the way they handle otherwise adult themes with the help of strong young female protagonists. Similarly, the film Fish Tank grapples with the idea of growing up, even though it is never explicitly said that our main character needs to “grow up.”

Ultimately I hope to convey a sense of hope at the end of an emotional journey that signals a sort of coming of age moment for my protagonist. While I am still in the “notecard outlining” stage of development, as soon as I figure out the relationship between 1) my main protagonist and her pseudo-sister character and 2) my main protagonist and her mentor figure, I will be ready to complete a first draft.