Jesseca Kusher

I am very passionate about finishing my Kenyon career the way it started: producing a capstone film for my senior thesis. The past few weeks have made me want to give up quite a bit, but one thing remains true to me: I want my capstone projects to reflect my ability as a student and the passion that I have for learning.

I have learned so much through my time in the film department and even though I have a double major and minor I still stand out as one of the more engaged members of the department. I have gone out of my way to work on film theses almost every semester of my Kenyon career. First it was Bradley and Jamie’s thesis both semesters of my first year, then the mess of Ethan’s thesis sophomore year, and Jas’s thesis my junior year. This semester I have taken on large roles producing Masen and Jacqueleen’s thesis and in outlining and scripting what would have been Charles’s thesis.

Beyond theses I go out of my way to volunteer for the department and participate in the larger film community. As a first year on campus I worked on multiple short films with Kenyon Filmmakers as a DP, Grip, and writer. By sophomore year I was Vice President of the Club. I have filmed over four dance concerts, and I frequently work to interact with the visiting filmmakers brought to campus.

One of the most impactful moments of my film career was the visiting artist brought to campus this past year. Michael taught me to treat my crew with respect and to pretend production is like a wedding: flatter your guests and make sure the process is ultimately as fun and productive as possible. Respect is key, and I feel that I lost a lot of respect through the process of producing both Jas’s and Masen’s theses. Over the course of the production (much more so on Jas’s) I felt my opinion and preproduction work lose the respect of the director. I have often questioned if this was not in part due to my role as a woman in the department, and I have grappled with the ultimate question: when do you draw the line? As a woman in film I feel as though I often have to tiptoe around the more difficult decisions and really pick my battles when it comes to making decisions.

In the case of my thesis with Diego I saw the signs early on. Just like in my cinematography class with Will Adashek, he was pushing me away and not including me in decisions. I wrote about this as much on my process blog, and I approached Jon early on in the semester with my grief. I didn’t feel like he was taking my feedback, and really that he was avoiding me. He dodged my messages over the summer even though I was literally sitting in the fog on the edge of a very cold field on a remote island in Canada in order to attempt to contact him. I met with Martha and Jon and Diego to discus his work on the script, we were given deadlines, and still he would not speak to me. Eventually he reached out to say he had begun working on a totally separate concept, so I asked for another meeting with Jon and Martha and Diego– this time the same day that Diego’s Anthropology Thesis was due. We were given one last chance, although it wasn’t clear to me how serious it was: we had until the Friday after Thanksgiving to give the department a script.

Over Thanksgiving, when I should have been with my family or working on my biology thesis, I poured my energy into a new script for my film thesis. I wrote about a young woman who worked as a janitor, although all she wanted was to be a kindergarten teacher. She had a controlling boyfriend who wanted her to get a gun, and she was plagued by this other young woman in an abusive relationship.

Ultimately Diego did not feel comfortable producing the film, so I let it drop. The last two weeks I have let everything drop. I often don’t leave my apartment if not to go to class. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly, and I’m having to teach myself how to grieve. This film thesis means a lot to me beyond completing just a senior film that would not count as my thesis because of the underlying essence behind it. I want to create a film that I can stand back and call my thesis, something I can be proud of, and something I can show to people as the true representation and culmination of my film experience at the college.